I'm Tired.

Sometimes I really do wish that there is someone who understand what I mean.  Understand what I say eventhough I didn't really say what I want.  I really do feel tired sometimes when I have to pretend into another 'creature' just to make other people comfortable with me.  I know some of you might wondering why I have to pretend, why not just be who am I.  This is life, if you never pretend in something you might have make others hate you because of your behavior.

I know I'm selfish.

I admit that.

I know I shouldn't have this thinking of people have to pamper me on what I like and what I dislike.  I know I shouldn't, but I really hope and wish to have it.  I'm tired of making people around me happy, laugh and smile.  I have to smile in front of them to make them cheer.  To smile, to laugh is a very simple thing, but to smile deeply in the heart is a very difficult thing.

Do you smile deeply in your heart?

It has been years we met, but not all of them understand me.  Some of them didn't even get to know me well at all even though they have been my friends for n-th years.  Some of them are only friends for few years but they know what I'm thinking, they know what I want.  At least I can say what I want when I am with them.  This is what we say comfortable between friends.  Maybe is like what some of you said, I have been trying to protect myself from being protected by others.  Self defence.  I don't know why this happen to me, maybe is because I'm trying to protect myself from being hurt.  Life for me is not negative, but is something that sometimes bad things might happen.  I put my thought and feeling at the situation of 'bad things might happen' so that I won't be disappointed on what will happen.

I know I'm complicated.

I do know.

Just wear on my shoes and think on my behalf.  Everybody has their own different way of thinking, different way of living.

So do I.