I Need The Courage

Recently I started to feel the rejection of being care again.  wtf.  I really don't know how to get rid of this kind of situation.  Last time when I was in University, friends were so good to me and when it reaches the limit of mine, I start to give bad impression to them so they can have bad impression towards me....

Yeah, I know  that I hurt so many of them.  When they find out that I'm not the person that they thought in the first place but I really don't know how to make people think I'm a good person.  Because I'm the type of if you want to think I'm a bad person, then I will continue be the bad person in front of you.  I will never want to be the good one unless you find out yourselves the actual of me.  Weirdo... I know.

The situation happens again.  It was like so smooth and naturally for me to say out something like that.  They called me weirdo.  They even said my outlook has blind their eyes, they thought I'm a super naive girl.  Not to praise myself, but I'm a naive girl once and now still a little bit naive.  However, when I have to face something that I not used to, I will make myself look stronger or pretend myself as a bad person, so people out there wouldn't have bully me.  That's self-protecting!

Friends told me that I got hurt that's why I have this self-protection in my inner heart.  The problem is I never know when I got hurt.  That's why.  Confusing huh?  Me think that too!

I need the courage of being a person that will tell the truth feeling of mine.  Damn, it is so difficult but I know maybe some day I can get rid of this.  Maybe after 1 month, 1 day or even 10 years...  Nobody knows about this.  

I know everybody likes me, cares about me, but I just don't know why I feel all the cares and loves are so controlling.  I have my own thinking and I know what decision to make and what decision that I shouldn't make.  I think of this way doesn't mean I have to do the way of what I think.  This is mind controlling!  

Ah... never mind, I know they are just being nice to me, putting lots of love on me.  I appreciate that!  

Hell yeah, I am so busy and only can spend this 20 minutes to finish up this post.  Got to go bath and ready for work!  

ps: will update as soon as possible. *wink*